Enough really is enough (and that's a Brilliant thing!)

In an overwhelming world, this article can help return balance for leaders, parents, and everyone. Shifting your focus from a gap to a gain mindset can create greater outcomes and feel much better all along the way. We offer three ways to get started!

I chose this photo as I feel like this article all comes down to choosing fear or love based approaches in how we think and act. When you read to the end, I'd love to know if this makes sense to you.

Ever get that nagging feeling, like you're always chasing something just out of reach? That little voice whispering that you need more—more achievements, a bigger pile of whatever your 'thing' is? If so, you're not alone.

According to ancient Buddhist wisdom, as brought to life by Ginny Whitelaw in Forbes, this feeling might be your inner "hungry ghost" at play. Whitelaw's article, Hungry Ghosts Are Busting Government: How Leaders Can Be Ghostbusters [1], describes these figures with tiny mouths and enormous bellies that can never quite be filled. Sounds a bit familiar in today's world, doesn't it?

Now, why do we tend towards this relentless urge? Well, our human brains have ancient survival systems wired to look out for gaps and potential threats. This can often lead us to focus on what's wrong or missing, or what we "should" be doing, leading to narrowed thinking driving us from a place of fear or lack. It's a very human thing, this tendency to get caught up in what feels like "never enough" or this "gap focus." It's not a very nice feeling.

Here's the good news: we have the power to gently interrupt this gap-focused mindset and build new mental pathways. Rather than constantly dwelling on what's missing, we can learn to focus more on what we already have and what we aspire to achieve—a "gain focus" if you like.

This idea isn't just wishful thinking. Groundbreaking research by Richard Boyatzis and Anthony Jacks, in The Neuroscience of Coaching [2] delves into how different approaches affect our brains. Their work highlights the power of focusing on a positive vision of the future—what excites and inspires us. This approach, which could be seen as the opposite of the "hungry ghost" mentality, actually lights up different parts of our brain, the ones linked to broad thinking, motivation, creativity, and resilience in challenges. I'm wondering how you feel just reading this. For me, it feels so much better, right away! It gives me energy. The studies back this up: this is actually a much fiercer generative mode!

Boyatzis and Jacks call this tendency of a "gap focus" the Negative Emotional Attractor (NEA) and calls the power of a "gain focus" the Positive Emotional Attractor (PEA). In that "gain," I also like to include past experience and learning as well as current strengths.

It's crucial to emphasize that shifting towards a "gain focus" (akin to PEA) isn't about turning a blind eye to challenges or becoming complacent. 

'Enough' does not imply we don't do stuff. We can still stretch, evolve, innovate, creatively solve problems, and progress. Rather, it's about altering the driver of our actions—moving from a sense of lack, greed, or obligation (NEA/hungry ghost/not enough) to one of inspiration and purpose (PEA/foundations of enough/vision and meaning). One is pushing, striving and can feel stressful and hard. The other is more of a beautiful pull, kind of joyful and certainly appreciative. It supports thriving and flourishing. It's also contagious and builds relationships, and that's another story.

As highlighted by Boyatzis and Jack's research, focusing on a positive vision (PEA coaching) activates brain regions linked to motivation and a greater willingness to tackle difficulties. This is a key distinction from the NEA approach, which can activate stress responses and self-consciousness, potentially decreasing motivation and making it harder to be effective or creative.

The positive brain state fostered by a "gain focus" also leads to more sustained effort and improved performance over time, along with greater resilience under pressure. When we are motivated from a positive vision—and resourced from our experience and strengths—we are more likely to persevere through challenges.

Furthermore, embracing a "gain focus" significantly contributes to creativity. By encouraging the engagement of different brain system, we open up to new ideas and become better at scanning the environment for possibilities. In contrast, the NEA state tends to narrow our perceptual fields.

I also do not wish to seem dogmatic—this is not to eradicate looking at the gaps and issues. It is to see what happens when we balance it out by shifting to also look at the gains and possibilities, past, present and future.

This may seem a bit overwhelming, so I want to right-size these concepts in practice.

Application and practice is the only thing that brings anything to life. It's how we get sticky learning, like the difference between reading about how to ride a bike and then actually riding one. And continuous small practices add up to a big difference. Countless studies and great books like Atomic Habits support this: incremental achievable ongoing practice is key to developing new habits of thinking and behavior. This is true in strengthening our ability to shift from gap to gain, from NEA to PEA. This gradual process allows for the rewiring of old NEA conditioning and the anchoring of new neural pathways of PEA.

3 ways to get started

So, what can we actually do to make this switch from gap to gain to help better navigate in this crazy world? Here are three suggestions to get you started:

• Recognise the "Never Enough" Feeling: The first step is simply noticing when that inner "hungry ghost" starts to stir. Is your motivation coming from a place of excitement or a feeling of fear and needing to fill a void? Becoming aware of this can give you a moment to pause.

• Shift Towards a "Gain Focus": Consciously aim your attention towards your accomplishments, your strengths, and your hopes for the future. What are you already good at? What positive steps have you taken? What genuinely excites you? What could be the gift or opportunity here? This shift can start to build new, more positive neural pathways.

• Small Steps, Big Difference: This isn't about overnight transformations. It's about making small, intentional shifts in your focus and being kind to yourself along the way. Like flutters of butterfly wings, these small changes can add up to a significant difference over time. When you notice you forget—celebrate! And then, keep on keeping on.

Try these at work and home

• For individuals, consider experimenting with "thought pitstops"—quick daily check-ins on your thoughts. The idea is to spot those grumpy, "never enough" thoughts (the gap or NEA ones) and give 'em a playful nudge towards a brighter, more "what I have and what I want to create" outlook (the PEA gain approach). Even Indy 500 drivers make pitstops. So this is like a mental oil change.

• For teams, experiment with "wouldn't it be great if..." Carve out a bit of time in team meetings to collectively dream about the team's bright future and the positive impact they could have. Importantly, I encourage doing this alongside celebrating recent wins and challenges they've already overcome. This helps to build a shared sense of hope and inspiration, in collective PEA gain mindset, without ignoring their present successes.

• For parents and caregivers, we can be "positivity detectives," always on the lookout for those moments to celebrate. This encourages us to make a conscious effort to notice and praise the positive things children do, rather than just focusing on the mishaps. This helps to nurture "gain" as part of the home culture.

• For significant relationships, couples can regularly have relaxed chats and dream about their future together, both the big things and the everyday joys. It’s also important to reminisce about happy times they've already shared and appreciate the good things in their relationship right now. This strengthens their bond and builds hope and inspiration alongside valuing their shared history. Maybe we call this one, "tapping into love" or "love taps" ;)

This is not easy or for the faint of heart. It takes backbone and heart. Nurturing anything new takes energy and our brains tend to resist expending energy. So, outside support can be hugely beneficial in accelerating and establishing gain mindset strengths. I offer both coaching sessions and specialized training to help you on this evolution.

Ultimately, understanding the limiting and stressful push of that "never enough" feeling and consciously choosing to cultivate a "gain focus" can lead to a more content, effective, and, dare I say, joyful life. It's about taming those inner hungry ghosts not with drastic measures but with gentle shifts in how we see ourselves and the world around us. And that, my friend, is a truly brilliant thing.

Optional reading: A little light science

The neuroscientific basis for these shifts is described for those who are curious. This is a layperson's simplified version.

Our brains include different systems and "modes" or networks that tend to be more active depending on our focus.

• The "Analytical Brain" Network: When we're focused on gaps and wants (and the hungry ghost does this on steroids), a more analytical network, referred to as the Task-Positive Network (TPN), becomes more active. This network is great for problem-solving but can be limiting on its own and sometimes make us feel stressed. It also shuts us off from our capacity to feel empathy and compassion.

• The "Possibility Brain" Network: Conversely, when we focus on our strengths and aspirations for positive futures (the "gain focus" or PEA), a different network, the Default Mode Network (DMN), becomes more engaged. Despite its name, the DMN is actually crucial for things like creativity, openness to new ideas, and feeling socially connected.

The Brain's Reward System also plays a role in increased motivation associated with a "gain focus." Focusing on positive visions and past successes activates brain areas linked to reward and motivation. This "feel-good" response encourages us to keep moving towards our goals.

The Brain's Neuroplasticity (rewiring + expansion) To explain the idea of "small steps, big difference" and the rewiring of the brain's neural pathways, we can use the analogy of a path in a forest. The more we walk down a certain path (focus on problems), the more worn and easy to follow it becomes. It saves energy—another of the brain's primary directives—to take the well-beaten track.

However, by consciously choosing to walk down a new path (focus on what's already good and on aspirations), even if it's a little overgrown at first, we start to create a new, stronger pathway over time. Repeatedly focusing on the positive helps strengthen these new neural pathways.

The Nervous System and Wellbeing It's important to also connect all this to our wellbeing. The gap v. gain views affect our nervous systems, which have many neuro and biological impacts, such as heart rate, blood pressure, gut reactions and neurochemicals released that produce feelings like anxiety or calm. These nervous system responses are gatekeepers to certain types of brain activity.

• The "gap," or NEA way of focusing on what's wrong, can produce a stress response in our nervous system and activate brain areas associated with stress, namely our more primitive, narrow thinking survival areas. This literally puts us in a "defensive crouch" that makes change feel harder. Overtime, this can build up as overwhelm, then burnout or worse over time.

• In contrast, the "gain-oriented" PEA approach can help regulate our nervous system, accessing our rest and digest capacity, and creating feel good, self-reinforcing neurochemicals in our brain. This is what allows us to tap into the empathetic, creative DMN system of our brain. This contributes to our wellbeing the more we allow it in to balance out the NEA tendencies.

If you read this far, maybe you love the science or you appreciate it to counter a natural skepticism. I hope these somewhat simplified explanations of the brain's activity provide a light yet informative glimpse into the neuroscientific support for shifting from a "never enough" mindset to a more positive and aspirational one.

Sources:

1 Whitelaw, G. (2025, April 1). Hungry Ghosts Are Busting Government: How Leaders Can Be Ghostbusters. Forbes. https://www.forbes.com/sites/ginnywhitelaw/2025/04/01/hungry-ghosts-are-busting-government-how-leaders-can-be-ghostbusters/

2 Boyatzis, R. E., & Jack, A. I. (2018). The neuroscience of coaching. Consulting Psychology Journal: Practice and Research, 70(1), 11–27. http://dx.doi.org/10.1037/cpb0000095.